


the façade and bravado

by Cyane



Series: Bad things happen bingo [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Identity Porn, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Mental Breakdown, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prompt Fill, Protective Thor (Marvel), Sort Of, warning: copious use of italics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-18 13:09:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16995594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyane/pseuds/Cyane
Summary: In which Loki tries his damnedest to make himself out as a villain and fails spectacularly.





	the façade and bravado

**Author's Note:**

> **bthb prompt: undeserved reputation**
> 
> ahha yeah i'm not dead lmao (´▽`) 
> 
> I was going to use this card for Voltron but I changed it for the MCU. Afterwards I'll do more cards, maybe more for the MCU, definitely for other fandoms. Prepare for the angst. I was also infinitely curious to see how 'undeserved reputation' would work with Loki as a character.

 

There was something almost depressingly sentimental about the whole thing. A disgusting, fluttering warm feeling that filled him up like liquid as he looked to his left and saw Thor sitting in the makeshift throne. Loki was, quite literally, one of his brother's right hand men. 

When he was just a small child, without the knowledge of his heritage or a nervous envy, Loki could remember dreaming about ruling Asgard at Thor's side, keeping him from barreling headfirst into wars and generally being fantastic counsel. Where Thor was strong and brave and the epitome of leadership, Loki knew he had his own strengths; skill, negotiation, strategy. When to retreat, how to ignore insults and think about the bigger picture. 

Maybe that did make him a coward, especially in the eyes of his peers at the same age. In the eyes of Odin, and Thor, as well.

Frigga had brushed his hair out of his face and scowled.  _"That's not cowardice, Loki, that's having good sense. Sooner or later everyone must learn that sometimes the path of least resistance is what will bring victory."_

Loki had been able to see, at first, that the rather obvious differences between him and his brother would only be beneficial to their rule one day if they combined their strengths and covered the other's weaknesses. Of course, later, after finding out that the differences were much deeper than just brain versus brawn, that ideology had gone away as well.

So after everything, to find himself in the position he had dreamed of oh-so-long ago... Loki had to physically swallow down the emotions. For the first time in a long time, he could easily recognize happiness, hope, and more than anything--  _pride._ Thor had become an entirely different person, someone that Loki truly wouldn't have tried to usurp. Thor had become a thinker, compassionate and more cautious. 

Loki fought down a smile as he scanned his brother over from the corner of his eye. Something like steely determination had turned over that troublesome glint. Although it made Loki's heart twinge ever so slightly, knowing that the sort of change Thor had gone through only came from experience and loss, it was far more reassuring than naivete. 

"Don't give yourself a headache, staring like that."

"What, am I not allowed to be proud?" Loki scoffed, adding just enough sarcasm to keep the truth of the statement from shining through. It clearly had worked when Thor shot him a half-smirk, half-scowl. 

There was that stupid feeling again.

The thing was, even though he felt lighter than he had in a decade, there were some things that had become permanent fixtures in his head. Lurking under a blanket of relief, there still existed that age-old dread. _T_ _here will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice, where he cannot find you._ Ever since the void, there were scars in his mind that Loki knew would never heal. His fate was sealed, there was no changing that-- and it was to be a very,  _very_ grim one. 

The pocket of space where Loki was keeping the Tesseract hidden was as heavy as a weight.

 

\---

 

Although Loki had understood his new somewhat questionable position as one of Thor's right hands, it was still a shock when the others seemed to.

Two days after departing the late-Asgard and Loki was face to face with one of the AEsir, a middle-aged man with squinting eyes named Johannes Elason who had practically barreled into Loki in one of the hallways. After a few failed attempts at apologizing and circumventing him, Loki had to hold back a sigh and pause, looking the man in the eye and preparing for a confrontation, a nasty threat, or even some sort of attempt at assassination.

"Ah, my prince, I've been looking for you!" Johannes exclaimed. Loki usually kept his composure quite well, under any circumstances, but the second 'prince' slipped from the Asgardian's mouth his jaw dropped. "King Thor has sent for you from the lower decks. He's said it's important."

"I-" Loki stopped, forcing himself to straighten out. "I'll... go see him, then. Thank you."

Johannes gave him a quick nod that could've been a bow and started off in the opposite direction. In the solitude that followed, Loki took a moment to think.

_They can't really have forgiven me. That's absolutely absurd. What difference should it make, that I now have Thor's recommendation and I helped fly in the Statesman?_

On one hand, to some degree, Loki didn't want to forgive the people. The AEsir, who had tormented him throughout his childhood for reasons he hadn't known at the time. The Asgardians who would have rather seen him hanged than on the throne, who saw his mother's funeral when he did not, who pushed his face into the dirt until Thor came to rescue him. Despite their own ignorance, Loki still held the slightest resentment for his past.

On the other hand, Loki knew he didn't deserve their forgiveness.

The wounds they might've caused him couldn't justify what he'd done. They had been ignorant, of course, but Loki had known full-well what he was doing. It didn't matter what hell he had been put through, in their eyes-- in Thor's eyes-- Loki would, and should, always be seen as nothing less than villainous. 

 _I should be happy they don't want my head on a platter,_ Loki thought dryly.  _Not unhappy that they think of me as royalty, for some bizarre reason._

He stood there for a moment, lost in thought, until approaching footsteps snapped him out of it and he started towards the lower levels of the Statesman. 

 

Thor was looking out a large window when Loki approached, his back turned and his arms crossed stiffly across his chest. He must've been thinking, since the wide expanse of space before them wasn't filled with much more than millions of tiny specks of light.

Loki shuddered at the sight, glad that Thor wasn't able to see.

"Loki," Thor acknowledged without looking away. 

 _Ugh, Gods- he sounds like Heimdall. Or like he's pretending to be Heimdall._ Loki rolled his eyes and playfully smashed Thor's toes with his own as he came to stand beside him. The surprised laugh and slight shove in retaliation were worth it, even if the stupid sentimentality reared its ugly head once more.

"Your majesty."

The same tired look was back in Thor's eye, but he was smiling. "Well... it's better than getting stabbed."

"You have too much confidence that it won't happen again."

"What, for the third, fourth, time?"

Loki's cheek twitched. "Hm. What did you want? Are you sending servants to come fetch me whenever you need use of me?"

Thor looked like he wasn't sure if the words were joking or not. "I sent Johannes because he's got a keen eye and a knack for seeing through illusions and you've been avoiding everyone on this ship for the last two days. If I didn't know any better," his face seemed to darken. "I'd say you were already making plans to leave."

"Is this what the 'important' discussion is about?" Loki asked stiffly. "You, worrying about me taking off in an escape pod?"

"Should I be worried?" Thor finally turned to look at him, eyes pinched. 

Loki's breath caught in his throat.

"...If I wanted to leave, I already would have," he managed to mutter. "It must please you to know that I don't have anywhere else to go."

He could feel Thor's gaze burning into him and kept his eyes rapt towards the huge pane of glass. The back of his throat began to faintly taste of bile as he did, darker thoughts beginning to crawl up from the abyss Loki had shoved them down. He had been lucky enough that a few weeks had passed before Thor found him on Sakaar-- falling out of the Bifrost had thrown him into a long period of panic. 

Looking out into a void-- to say the least, it brought back bad memories.

"I won't pretend to understand what you've done in the past," Thor finally spoke. He didn't need to be specific; they both knew exactly what he was talking about. "I'm not sure why you let go that day. I'm not sure where you went, I'm not sure who found you or how you even survived-- I'm going to be honest, brother, I have absolutely no idea what is going on inside your head and I rarely have."

A large hand came to rest on Loki's shoulder.

"But I am glad to have you by my side  _now._ We all have choices, Loki, and if you really wanted to leave I know I couldn't stop you. It's your choice."

 _We're not talking about me leaving any more, are we,_ Loki didn't say. He could see the pocket of magic where the Tesseract was itching to come out from. Whether he taken it from Asgard's vaults to present to Him or to keep it from Him, even Loki wasn't sure.

 _What do I do?_ He felt a ridiculous urge to fall into Thor's arms, sob, and tell him everything.

 

\---

 

"The Saurrirn aren't really a people you want to interact with, your majesty," Brunnhilde said dryly. "For one thing, I can tell you right now that they'll make you an excellent deal, but they've been known to- ah- resort to beheading if they're in a bad mood." 

For a moment, Loki almost considered taking her advice seriously, but then she turned and continued swapping spit with the Æsir girl strewn over her shoulder and he began to wonder exactly how sober she really was. Either way, they needed to stop on Saurrir. Supplies on the Statesman were abysmal at best.

"We don't have a choice," Thor decided. "Our options are limited and the odds of finding another opportunity to get food are closer to none."

Brunnhilde gave an indifferent half-shrug.

"Don't worry, I can handle it."

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say as the entire room-- minus Brunnhilde-- turned to stare at him. Loki forced himself not to duck away at the sudden attention and lifted his chin up instead. 

"What? I assumed you were going to utilize whatever skill necessary for this, and as I recall, the only person in this room with an ounce of talent for negotiation would be me."

"Why help?!" The Hulk growl-shouted. Loki couldn't quite conceal his flinch as the beast drew attention to itself.  _And to think that at one point, I would've preferred the Hulk to Banner. That must've been before he broke every bone in my body._

 "As lovely as it would be to watch all of you starve to death and die of dehydration respectively, I would rather not suffer the same fate."

Brunnhilde snorted, and when Loki gave her a glare, she just raised a finger at him and took another swig from her bottle. "As much as I hate to admit it, he might have a point. He can use magic, and it might be useful to be able to look like a Saurrirn. As for negotiation, well... he does have a knack for making people want to punch him in the face."

 "Hah. I resent that."

"I don't give a fuck."

Thor, who had been uncharacteristically quiet throughout the debate, finally shifted to rest his fingers on his temple. He looked exhausted. "Alright, fine. Loki and I will-"

"You're not coming," Loki interrupted. 

"The hell I'm not."

"Maybe you've forgotten but you're _the king_ , now, Thor. You can't charge into potentially dangerous situations when losing you could jeopardize the entire remaining Asgardian population."

"And you can?" Thor asked, his voice beginning to grow louder as anger clogged his features. "Damn it, Loki, I'm not letting you go at this alone when we have no idea who these people are or how they'll take to you. At least take the Valkyrie or Heimdall."

An edge of bitter frustration came with the words. "You still don't trust me, brother?"

Thor looked angrier, if anything. "This has nothing _to do_ with trust, I just--" his voice cut off and Thor visibly collected himself. "I'm already putting trust in you. I just don't want to sit here on my throne and send you off to go save our lives by yourself. What happens if you're in trouble?"

"Heimdall will be able to see."

"And what if you die?" 

Loki tried not to roll his eyes and throw his hands up in the air exasperatedly. They were going in circles. "Obviously you could send someone else to try again or start looking for another planet with intelligent life. What the _hell_ does it matter- resort to cannibalism for all I care! I know the risks and you said it yourself, we don't have any other options."

Somehow Loki got the impression that he'd said the wrong thing yet again in the resounding silence. 

"I will go with him," Heimdall broke the tension with his offer.

"I just said--"

"No," Thor cut Loki off, "that's final, Heimdall will go with you to Saurrir."

 

Once the arrangements were made and the Statesman had properly landed on Saurrir, Loki and Heimdall took position to exit. 

"Let me into your head, I'll show you what the Saurrirn look like so you can disguise us both."

Loki was already shaking his head. "No, absolutely not. I'll disguise us when I see them for myself."

"You're adding unnecessary risk," Heimdall pointed out in the same calm monotone.

"I see the 'unnecessary risk' as you worming around in my head." He snapped. "We aren't infiltrating the Saurrir society, we're buying out resources- and I'd like to remind you that the fact that you're tagging along is a terrible idea."

"Because I might die?"

 _"Because_ you posses talents as gatekeeper that no other Æsir does, and as so you're too important to lose in a skirmish over resources." As he spoke, Loki wrapped the leather straps of a bag across his waist and double-checked that his knives were still concealed. 

"You often present your reasoning as selfish," Heimdall acknowledged, sounding just the slightest bit smug. "And twist your words into logic instead of emotion. And yet you are betrayed in moments when emotion wins out. The logical thing is to disguise ourselves now."

Something like an age-old fear squeezed at Loki's heart and without even realizing he’d moved, he found himself holding one of his knives an inch away from Heimdall's throat. His wide, wild eyes stared back into the calm amber depths. "You are  _never_ _getting in my head_." 

Loki had to stop himself from saying 'again', and swallowed down the nightmarish memories of the scepter, of agony and of Him. The Tesseract felt too close in it's hidden pocket and Heimdall looked far too knowing, not even phased despite the weapon at his throat. 

Forcing the fear into a snarl, Loki jammed the knife back and started out without looking back. He still heard Heimdall say quietly, “Not even I can see everything, Odinson." The words sent a cold shiver up his spine.

 

\---

 

When Loki first cracked open his eyes, all he saw was darkness and a thick sense of pain surrounded him. 

 _No, no, no, no,_ turned on immediate repeat inside his head, an endless cycle of  _please, please no, anything but this, anything but this,_ because he had been in this place before. Perhaps he had never really left. 

Pain flared and there was some sort of noise to his left but Loki's eyes were still blurry and everything resembled little more than a dark blob. "Please," he rasped out quietly. "I swear, I have it, I have it--"

_I can tear you apart piece by piece until the end of time. You failed me, Laufeyson._

"No, no- no, I have it- please, please-"

It would be another endless cycle of hell. That was Loki's fate, sealed the moment he let go of Gungnir, the moment he failed to get the Tesseract. Perhaps even before all of that, from the moment Odin chose to keep the tiny abandoned Jötun runt he found in the rubble. 

Loki could feel tears drip down the sides of his face, his face contorting into a sob. "No more, no more-" A hand cupped the side of his face and his entire body began shaking, expecting a blow or something worse, only serving to make the pain grow. 

_You think you know pain?_

"Loki?"

_You will long for something as sweet as pain-_

He couldn't quite hold in the wail that steadily grew into a scream. He could remember the blood and the brands and the whips, but the worst part had always been the mental agony He had put Loki through. Something Loki had spent years trying to push down into the dark recesses of his mind. 

"No!" He screamed, twisting away from the hand. He couldn’t bear going through it all again. Not again.

The black covering his vision turned to white and Loki almost sang with relief as he passed out.

 

Loki opened his eyes again. (A disappointment, but not a surprise.) 

Instead of overwhelming panic, he simply turned and looked at Thor, who was sitting on his left, squeezing his hands with his own and looking haunted. Later, Loki would realize that he had been coming off drugs at the time, but in the moment all he felt was a bit of sluggish peace.

"Thor?"

Thor smiled tightly. "It's me. How are you feeling?"

Something in Loki felt like bursting with pure joy. It had been a nightmare, nothing more. He still had some time before he met his fate. Unfortunately, although the drugs gave Loki peace, he could also feel the lack of his own inhibitions, and nothing to tamp the emotions down.

"Thank god," Loki choked. "Where are we?" The memories began slowly clicking into place. "How did negotiations go?"

There was something wrong about Thor's expression. "You did great, Loki. We have what we need. Rest for now, and we can talk once you're healed, alright?"

Loki smiled up at him and felt safe. Thor was always safe. This time, Loki struggled to keep his eyes open and couldn't stop himself from drifting back off once again.

 

\---

 

The third time he was roused was the last.

"That went well," Loki said, grimacing as he tried to sit up. 

Thor, who had been dozing off in the chair beside him, jerked awake at the noises. Although Loki had a feeling he looked like absolute hell himself, his eyes still lingered on the circles under Thor's eyes. It seemed to be Thor's natural state since Odin departed. 

"You're awake."

"It seems so." Loki eyed the healing stones with distaste and removed them. "What happened?"

"Heimdall tells me that the Saurrirn can see through glamours and didn't take kindly to your tricks. Honestly, you're lucky to even be alive."

"Fantastic. So we still don't have supplies and now Heimdall has something to hold over me for the rest of eternity." Loki ignored the serious look in his brother's eye and kept up the ruse of pretending to stretch out his aching muscles. "What's the plan now?"

Thor narrowed his eyes and stood up, putting the healing stones back over more serious bruising. He gently pushed Loki back into the soft bedding. "Actually, we do have the supplies. Heimdall said you used your seiðr to coerce several Saurrirn into bringing the supplies to the Statesman. Of course, then you collapsed from magic exhaustion and  Heimdall couldn't keep both of you safe on his own so he had to hold out until Brunnhilde and I found the Saurrirn, realized something was the matter, and came to help."

_Damn._

"Is that so?" Loki asked, keeping his voice conversationally pleasant. "Well, in that case, it seems like everything turned out alright. How is Heimdall?"

"He's in better shape than you, if you can believe it," Thor ground out through gritted teeth. "You've been near unconscious for almost three days."

Loki hated being out of control at any time, and knowing he had been completely helpless for days was less than reassuring. Especially when Thor put emphasis on 'near unconscious'. He could hardly remember what had happened after leaving the Statesman for Saurrir with Heimdall, much less the past three days.

And obviously Thor hadn't been sleeping. "If you've been keeping watch for that long I'd implore you to get some rest of your own."

He could practically see whatever had been building up inside Thor boil over.

"If I had half a mind I'd chain you down and never let you out of my sight again!" When Loki made to respond, Thor held up a hand and began viciously pacing. "No, shut up. Damn it all, Loki, even with Heimdall you could've died-- if you had gone alone, there wouldn't even be a chance. You talk about how  _indispensable_ I am, you have a plan for what our next course of action should be taken should you die--"

"I highly doubt cannibalism was a liable course of action," Loki added lightly.

Thor held his gaze for a moment with something akin to disbelief before crumpling down into his seat and putting his head in his hands. "I cannot believe you, sometimes. You really are selfish, you know that, Loki? You really are. Heimdall told me he thinks you make yourself out to be a villain when you aren’t, but I think you're selfish because you'd throw your life away without thinking about what that'd do to me.

"Loki, I have watched you die  _so many times._ " Thor looked up, eyes glazed red. "For the first time in decades I have you- really you, not some deranged version of you- and now we've come back to the same cycle of you trying to get yourself killed. I need you to realize that a mission isn't worth your life."

It was a long moment before Loki worked the emotion out enough to say quietly, "It is if it's for the lives of everyone else on this ship, Thor."

A fist slammed on the metal armrest of Thor's chair. "Then to hell with it all, Loki,  _stop acting so nonchalant about it._ "

 _Tell him everything,_ a traitorous voice in Loki's head pleaded.  _He'll know what to do, he'll protect you from Him, and you can stay at his side. Maybe your fate doesn't have to be an endless torment._

"I'm not a hero," Loki blurted out. "Obviously. I think you've always had too much faith in me."

"But you could be," Thor sighed. 

"No... I don't think I could." Loki's voice was so resigned, sure about it like it was fact, and Thor looked up at him questioningly. "I don't think I have a choice, Thor. It's part of me, something that's always going to be there. Whatever choices I make will be the lesser of two evils." The pocket of space with the Tesseract inside was all Loki could see.

_Tell him. Tell him everything._

"Loki," Thor took his hand. "Please, just tell me what's going on."

Loki glances at Thor’s pleading, miserable eyes. 

“I need you with me,” Thor said.

He felt something physically break inside him, as poignant as a broken bone. The knot in his chest rose all the way up to his throat, tightening painfully as it went, and for a moment, Loki was sure that he was physically incapable of saying anything. The hand gripping his own tightened and Loki put his other hand to his mouth, balled into a fist so he could dig his teeth into the first knuckle. Tears welled up over stinging eyes. It was a level of vulnerability he hadn't shown freely in years.

_Tell him._

 "It's my fate," Loki croaked. "End-endless... an endless hell." Every word was like a rock, trying to cough up thick syrup. "I can't escape it." Loki couldn't _breathe_. "He's going to find me, Thor--" 

His entire body was wracked with gasping breaths and sobs, trembling violently against the bedding. More than anything else, he couldn't meet Thor's eye; he didn't want to see any sort of reaction. "I..."

_If you tell Thor this now, you are going to change everything._

"...I have the Tesseract," Loki managed, moving the hand he was using as a bit to cover his eyes. Shame rolled through him like a hot wave.

"What?" Thor's hand loosened in shock.

"We can't let Him- I have to--" 

_What? We can’t let Him get it? I have to give it to Him? There isn’t an easy answer._

“I don’t know what- to do,” Loki admitted, fully aware that he was blabbering. “There’s nowhere- to run to, and He’ll find me- eventually-“

"Loki, look at me." When he kept his hand over his face, Thor gently pried it away and titled his jaw so they were looking at each other. Loki was shocked to see a lack of fury on his brother's face, just pained determination. "I'm not going to lose you again. Whoever it is, I'll stop him."

"You can't go anywhere _near_ him," Loki hissed, horrible thoughts coming together in detailed gore. The only thing worse than getting tortured would be watching the same things happen to Thor. Instead of responding or asking why, Thor simply reached forward and wrapped Loki up in his arms, holding him tightly and pressing his lips to Loki's temple. 

"We're going to figure it out. Together." 

Despite the permanment dread, Loki felt the weight of a world lift from his shoulders as he melted into Thor's embrace.

Whatever happened, whatever fate had in store for him, Loki just wanted a moment to truly be with his brother.

 

\---

 

 

\---

**Author's Note:**

> ...and then Thanos died and they all lived happily ever after. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> I feel like to Loki, he doesn't deserve the reputation of being a prince or a savior, when in reality/to Thor and the others, he doesn't deserve the reputation of being a complete villain. Ironically Loki tries to make himself out to be a villain while also putting up a show of being a 'savior'. Really, really complex character. :-) I know I went a bit more subtle/loose with the prompt but the story kind of ran away from me.
> 
> I’m also considering making a bonus chapter, same story by from Thor’s perspective. Maybe, maybe not? 
> 
> Please leave a comment and/or kudos, I live for feedback <3


End file.
